Photo at the Peace Garden: Sitting with my oldest son at the International Peace Gardens. Until moving to North Dakota, I didn’t know it was called “The Peace Garden State.” I didn’t even know what the Peace Garden was
The Question
Today, I’m going to tell you a secret.
To understand the secret, you’ll need to know the question I’m asked most often:
Why, Minot? As in, “Why do you insist on liking Minot so much?”
I get this question all the time.
Until the moment my husband told me he’d been assigned to Minot, Air Force Base I didn’t even know a place called Minot existed. Sure, I could point to North Dakota on a map, but I knew absolutely nothing about life in the Peace Garden State. In fact, I didn’t know it was called the “Peace Garden State.” I’d never even heard of the Peace Garden.
That was in the summer of 2012. I had no idea how much different NoDak life would be when compared to anywhere else we’d been. I didn’t know a hot dish from a casserole, or how to distinguish between Scandinavian and Nordic.
That was ten years ago, now.
We moved away for a few years, but Minot, ND—the place I’d never heard of—has somehow become the place I call “home.” In our “Air Force life” my husband and I moved six times in ten years. Of all the moves, and all the places, Minot is where we’ve spent the most time. It’s a place that has given us space and grace to grow. It’s a place we felt so connected to that we asked to return.
This last bit always triggers the question, again. “Why, Minot?” Why come back? Why ask to stay? Why not go somewhere else?
After living in a revolving door of towns and duty stations, our hometown stopped feeling like “home base.” We weren’t from the places we lived, but we weren’t connected to the place we were from, either. It’s a weird dynamic; not being from around here—anywhere.
The Secret
So, how did I learn to adore a place so many others find easy to ignore, abase, and avoid at all costs? That’s the secret. It’s the secret everyone seems to want to know. It’s the secret I’ll tell you today.
It was the people.
This isn’t what you think. Please, don’t write this off as a cliché. Yes, the people are lovely—but lovely people are not the secret I’m telling you today. When I was new in town, I never expected the locals to notice me, invest in me, and prod me into a place of belonging. I never thought the born-and-raised hot-dishers would take me by the hand and insist that I appreciate their quirky culture. They didn’t need to do those things; it wasn’t their job. I found it easy to fall in love with this place because I took time to study and consider the people living around me.
That’s the secret.
Finding appreciation for a place doesn’t need to come through a long list of attractions or ideal weather year-round. Instead, pause, look around, and consider the people.
What’s Your Focus?
When we first arrived, I stopped to consider all the people who chose to call Minot home. Yes, we were sent by order of the U.S. military—but there were literally thousands of others who opted to live in Minot, ND—even though they could have lived elsewhere. I began studying those people, discovering what held them in Hot Dish land.
Each time I was tempted to complain, or jump on the popular-opinion-wagon with all the others hurling negativity at an assignment to Minot—I chose to focus on those around me who wanted to be here. I chose to remain curious about the good instead of arrogantly adamant about the bad. I thought about how rude it would be to complain about living in the place they’ve chosen to call their home. I thought if I could understand their reasons, for coming here, or staying here, I’d discover a sense of belonging, too.
And it worked.
That’s the secret.
It’s true for Minot. It’s true for everywhere. People are always the secret. Instead of expecting someone to convince you that a place is worthwhile—spend time trying to understand their point of view. Never forget: wherever you go there are people who have chosen that place over many, many others. When discontentment threatens to sneak into your heart, focus on the content people. Then, consider what they’re seeing that you may have overlooked.
There are very few things I enjoy hearing less than the words, “There’s nothing to do in Minot.” I’ve spent the last three years intentionally combating this phrase, and the negativity that comes with it.
Before a new transplant arrives in Minot, they have often already been conditioned to believe they are relocating to a desolate and boring expanse of treeless, snow-covered land. This is heart wrenching. Although it’s far from the truth, this notion that there’s nothing to do in Minot can be difficult to unlearn.
I have an unusual knack for finding fun. If I can’t find any, I make some.
A comment I get a lot is, “You make Minot look so fun!” Or “How do you find so much to do?”
Glad you asked. I’m thrilled to be partnering with The Dakotan to bring you ideas and inspiration for enjoying the Hot Dish lifestyle. In these articles I’ll share upcoming events, recipes I’ve developed (think bars, hot dishes, and Midwest fare), or some other tangible tidbits that will elevate your enjoyment of NoDak living.
Today, I’m bringing you a roundup of fun happenings. When I write a list of things to do, I’ll give you one big idea—something that will require a bit of driving or investment to enjoy—followed by easily accessible local activities.
September is a beautiful time at the Peace Garden, but you’ve got to hurry. Full bloom doesn’t last once nights become frosty.
International outdoor fun
This week’s big idea will take you north to the International Peace Garden. As summer turns to fall, time to enjoy the International Peace Garden in full bloom is running out. If you haven’t made the trip yet, now is your chance. The café is still serving a full menu, the newly opened Children’s Natural Play Area is ready for the kiddos, and the mosquitos have backed off—making hiking the trails and traveling via kayak or canoe blissful.
From Minot, it’ll take you about two hours to get to the Garden. If you really want to play tourist, you can stop in Rugby to say you’ve been to the geographical center of North America. Food in the IPG Café is delightful, but if you’d like to eat off-site, I highly recommend stopping at Pride Dairy in Bottineau for the best grilled cheese of your life.
Locally sourced opportunities
Locally, we have an amazing week ahead. Here are a few ideas of things to do around the Magic City.
Thursday, September 15, 9 am-8:30 pm—Friends of the Library Book Sale. Come shop shelves of used books, games, DVDs, CD, magazines, and cookbooks. This is my favorite place to add to our collection of children’s books at home. Take what you want, leave a donation at the door on your way out. If you’ve got books you’re finished with, you can donate them at any time to the library to contribute to future sales. All proceeds benefit the library and its programs.
September 15-18—Mouse River Players Theater Production
This weekend MRP is opening Church Basement Ladies: A Second Helping. If you haven’t been to MRP, the theater is small and intimate. An adorable, small-town spread of cookies and coffee are available during intermission, along with traditional soda and popcorn concessions. Shows may not be Broadway quality, but they are always fun to take in.
Sept. 16-17—Logger Fest
Head to Oak Park for two days of lumberjack inspired fun. The festival will include chainsaw carving, family friendly games and activities, a small-dog race, movie in the park — it’s the Goonies!, music, and vendors. See their website for details and the full schedule.
Sept. 17, 10 a.m.-5 p.m.—Fall Festival on Main
Main Street will be closed on Saturday to host classic cars, food trucks, inflatables, and sidewalk sales.
Sept.19 All Day—Fall Clean Up
Don’t forget to mark your calendar for Fall Clean Up, or as I affectionately call it: Trash Christmas. It’s that magical time of year when all of Minot becomes one, big Curb Alert. Check the city website atminotnd.org for details on what items you can place on the curb and what your location’s pick-up date is.
To find more events happening around town check the calendar of events at VisitMinot.org.
For more inspiration for positive living and embracing life in Minot, join me on Instagram (@amy_allender) and Facebook (@amyallenderblog)
Small Magic can be found in things often overlooked.
When describing why I find life in North Dakota so enjoyable, I usually site a combination of local culture, quirks, and my stubborn insistence on finding beauty in things often overlooked. Giving a singular and concise answer to why Minot, ND has become something of a muse to me, is a tricky task.
No, it’s not the winters. Or the wind.
Truthfully, there is not just one thing that sums it up. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying to put the amiability of this place into words any time soon.
Much of what makes it so lovable boils down to qualities that can only be expressed through anecdotes or first-hand experience. The appeal is not found in wildly popular attractions I can easily point to, or obvious bustle. No, the things I find most appealing are those found in small, quickly passing moments. These moments can be easily missed. But catch enough of them, and you’ll find intricate charm that rivals holiday rosette cookies, or a rosemaled serving tray.
These moments are better “felt” than described and accumulate especially quickly if we pour a little effort into seeing the good in this place and this time. I’ve found meeting people is easy and organic simply by being present, interested, and eager to understand our town. By being interested, I got to know one person. Then another. And another. Soon, I found myself not only connected to the people of Hot Dish Land, but also the community and culture as well.
Then the magic really unfurls.
Small Magic can be found in the familiar.
I felt this magic as I bumped into familiar, friendly faces at the Midsummer Festival earlier this month. I saw the magic as I waved to acquaintances across the vibrant, green lawn while music from the City Band or accordions wafted across the breeze. It generates a feeling of awe and comfort, knowing you’ll likely see someone you know at these kind of events—because at the end of the day this is a community, and we show up when something special is happening.
These small, but beautiful moments are found in the way others care about my children. It’s how the librarian greets my kids and patiently waits while they sloppily stack books on the counter to check out. It’s how Ms. Kristi—of Main Street Books renown—welcomes every child to story time and calls them by name. We are met with grace and patience when I have a meeting over coffee and my littlest is anything but tidy with his scone. Families are not tolerated here, they are embraced and loved.
I see magic in the way the summer theater audience (me included) flocks to the folding tables serving $1 root beer floats during intermission, and how the sassy teenage lifeguard at the pool uses his megaphone to “score” his friends when they dive. I see magic in the level of excitement generated by the library book sale, and how I almost always run into friends at the pool on a hot day.
Safety in those moments.
I try to absorb the goodness of this place when an elderly man with calloused hands holds the door for me and the boys and tells me, “These are good days,” or I’m told that zoo readmission works on an “honor system,” or I realize how utterly safe I feel in my home, our parks, and at community events. The kind of safety and security a “home” generates. Safe to wonder, safe to be kind, safe to make mistakes and apologize, safe to stockpile the sweetness of mundane moments in my heart.
Small-moment-magic is out there. Not only here in Hot Dish Land, but elsewhere too. We just have to notice it. As our world experiences strife and disagreements—as our world always will—let’s remember to watch for these humble instants and capture them. Maybe today you and I can be the ones who create a moment of good magic for someone else. Let’s try.
To connect with me further and see how I find small, magical moments in everyday life—join me on Instagram @amy_allender or on Facebook @amyallenderblog.
That’s right, I’m talking about Trash Christmas. Formally, I suppose it’s called Minot Fall Clean Up Week.
I know a lot of new folks have moved into Minot since the last Trash Christmas, so I thought it only fair to write about it again. (Read my first article on Spring Trash Christmas, here.) Isn’t letting all these newcomers know about one of our dearest city traditions the right thing to do? Yes. Yes, it is.
Ahhhh, Trash Christmas. That magical time of year when Minot’s curbs fill with cast off items, and we all rubberneck stacks of refuse as we drive by. If you want to get technical, it’s really called, “Clean Up Week.” However, I think “Trash Christmas’ is a bit catchier—and I’m hoping the name will stick.
Every Year There is a Fall and Spring Clean Up
Clean Up Week happens twice each year: spring and fall. Clean Up Week is a time when the sanitation department (read: garbage saints) will come and collect large or bulk items at no cost. It’s a service to residents in that it saves on landfill fees, and eliminates the hassle of getting things to the landfill for dumping. This is especially handy for those odd items that don’t fit into your traditional trash bin—like the ottoman your cat scratched to bits, the garage fridge that went kaput, or that area rug that has seen one too many juice spills or puppy accidents.
According to the city website, items that can go to the curb include, “Household quantities of bulky and household items – items at the end of their useful life, such as appliances, furniture, junk, etc.” The reality of Trash Christmas is much looser, though. In addition to items that have run their course, you’ll find lots (and I do mean LOTS) of things on the curb with plenty of use left.
This leads to the best part about the Trash Christmas holidays: a week of slow-moving cars, trucks, SUV, and even vehicles towing trailers—all trolling neighborhoods looking for items they didn’t know they needed, but can’t live without. Trash Christmas just may be the closest thing Minot has to an actual recycling program. No, there isn’t a convenient way to recycle your plastics, or soup cans—but twice a year, you can put your child’s faded, play kitchen on the curb, knowing it will likely be given a second life. We may not be making milk jugs into park benches, but we sure know how to clean up someone else’s old lawn chair and dub it “patio furniture.”
If you’re new here brace yourself
During Trash Christmas, picking through each other’s cast offs isn’t just “okay,” it’s expected. This is part of our culture—and if you’re new here, brace yourself. There are basically three options:
Decide that this is too awkward and uncomfortable; call your family back home to tell them about the weird place you moved to.
Understand that it’s weird, quietly move your junk to the curb, and ignore the pickers combing the streets.
Accept that it’s weird, but overcome that awkward feeling inside, and pull over to pick up that only-gently-used grill you find on the side of the road next week.
I can almost guarantee you’ll feel uncomfortable every time you stop. I’ve been partaking in Trash Christmas for years, and still get a gooey stomach feeling when I stop to pick something up. Am I stealing? Is this wrong? I should be embarrassed about this, right?
Those thoughts may never leave you, but they shouldn’t prevent you from taking a deep [dumpster] dive into your new culture. You’re a Minotian, now. Finding Trash Christmas treasures is your right as a resident. This is your place, and we—the Clean Up Week picking folks of the Magic City—are your people.
Join me for more
Best of luck next week. Please, oh please tag me in your Clean Up Week shenanigans on social media. You can catch my Trash Christmas adventures, and more inspiration for positive living on Instagram (@amy_allender) or Facebook (@amyallenderblog).
The Minot, ND Library Sale is an ideal place to observe North Dakotans being North Dakotan.
A local friend once told me the library sale is an ideal place to observe North Dakotans being North Dakotan. It’s a place to see Dakotaness on display. Like a lot of things, I didn’t understand until I saw it first hand. Let me explain the Minot, ND Library Sale.
First of all, the fact that a Library Sale generates so much hype is one of the things that endears Minot to me. North Dakotans love books. I’ve lived a lot of places—but book love around here is at another level.
Whether North Dakotans love books more than the average American will never be scientifically proven. What could probably be proven is the above average zeal these fine people have for the Library Sale.
For me, a Sale goes one of two ways.
A) I see an announcement during my weekly trip to the library. Then I text my friends, post it to my Instagram, and probably get a few texts from friends asking if I know there’s a Sale coming up.
B) I may be lucky enough to stumble upon the Sale—or a pop up sale— when I’m at the library.
Then, I revert back to point A and make sure all my friends know it’s happening. Outsiders may say this buzz over a book sale is proof that there’s nothing going on here. I beg to differ. There’s plenty going on in Minot. The fact that so many of us get jazzed about the Sale is proof that we are living a different existence than those outside of Hot Dish Land. To others, it may sound weird—but to me, it’s one of the little things that make life here utterly delicious. You’ll never fully understand it until you’ve lived it.
Second, once inside the Sale you can really get a close up look at local manners, mannerisms, jargon and passivity.
If you arrive at the Sale early, you’re likely to share the space with the most eager thrifters. These folks will bring boxes to carry their books out. Boxes. You can tell some of these go-getters mean business. There could be venom behind every benign “‘Scuse me” and “Ope, just gonna squeeze through,” as book hunters politely vie for the best second hand books on the shelves.
The Library Sale is a great place to practice local etiquette
The Sale is a great place to hone your local manners. For instance, if you reach for the same book at the same time as someone else, it is customary to enter a circular discussion of who should take it. The exchange may go something like this:
Person 1: Ope, sorry. Go ahead.
Person 2. No, it’s fine. You take it.
Person 1: Oh, I’ve already got plenty of books. No worries, you take it.
Person 2: I’ve got plenty of books too. Really. No worries. It’s yours.
Person 1: Welp, okay—but really, if you change your mind just tell me.
As the day goes on the crowd dwindles, as do the number of sideways glances. A new type of shopper comes in. These are the more casual book thrifters. During this portion of the sale you are almost guaranteed to run into someone you know.
Once you do, acceptable conversation topics include: the wind, what books you’ve read lately, what books you’re looking for, and what treasures you’ve found at the Sale (past and present.) Then it’s polite to keep your eyes out for books that may interest your acquaintance.
During these slower moments of the Sale, it’s also customary to justify your books—both choice of titles and number of titles in your arms—and support others in their choices. A good North Dakotan will always spur another on toward adding more books to their collection.
The Library Sale is a great place to practice local etiquette
It’s also a perfect time to practice your Hot Dish jargon. Never tried using “uffda” or “oh, I s’pose” in conversation? Now is your chance.
The Library Sale is one of the most local things I do. It’s one of the things I say proves I’ve gone “full Minot.” If you don’t understand the hype or haven’t knowingly nodded your head while reading this—you might not be from around here.
If you want to understand the heart pounding passive excitement that is the Sale—you’re in luck. The next sale is scheduled for October 20 and runs on freewill donation—so just give what you can.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go figure out how to justify the books I brought home from the Sale to my husband.
For more antics and anecdotes and tips for positive living join me on Instagram and Facebook.
Many people move into Hot Dish Land dreading the cold winters. Focusing on the negative can blind us to the positives. With a little practice, anyone can become savvy at telling themselves a positive narrative.
Positive Thinking in Minot, ND–
I’m not an expert at many things. A lover of learning, I tend to soak up information and skills, without ever committing them to lifelong practice. This comes in handy because I know a little bit about a lot of bits. If I need to know more, I can usually find someone who is more expert than myself.
Recently, however, I’ve been contemplating what my area of expertise is. After much thought, this is where I landed: I’m an expert at reshaping and reframing a narrative.
Let me explain.
I’m a pessimist by nature.
Naturally, I’m pessimistic. Or maybe I should say, pessimism was my normal, natural response to life’s circumstances throughout most of my life. Like any good pessimist, I never myself a pessimist. Instead, I insisted I was a “realist.” To me, optimism was foolish; a fantasy unlikely to come to fruition, ready to lead to disappointment. Deep inside, I wanted to believe the good, to be hopeful, but the negativity always won out. I thought if I assumed the worst, anything better would be a pleasant surprise.
After nearly 30 years of living with that mentality, I discovered the painful bits of life are just as painful—even if you tried to brace yourself for them. Disappointment still stings, even when you’ve convinced yourself its coming. Eventually, my unhealthy thought patterns and lack of emotional intelligence took a toll. I found myself facing devastating anxiety and depressive disorders.
I came to an ultimatum: find a way to fix what was going on in my thought life—or succumb to a life of sadness, maybe even suicide.
That was nearly seven years ago. Since then, I’ve worked really hard to shift my normal, natural pattern of thinking from assume-the-bad-negative, to honestly-positive. I’ve created a new “normal” in my mind. This way of thinking is just as realistic—if not more so—than my old “realist” habits.
Something positive and hopeful can be just as honest as something negative.
I learned that something positive and hopeful can be just as honest as something negative—even when examining the same circumstance. I learned that each of us has the right and authority to shape the narrative of our days. We get to decide what we will believe about our day when we recount it to others, and when we crawl into bed at night.
I do many things, but this is my area of expertise. My ability to reshape instinctually-negative narratives into something truthful, and positive is something in which I’ve achieved expert-level status.
Since beginning to write “She’s Not From Around Here,” I’ve gotten many, many messages sharing appreciation for my pleasant perspective on a place that many see through an inherently unpleasant lens. This reminds me, in a world that is often dark and confusing, uplifting words spoken with honesty are a balm. We are all drawn to hope.
While I appreciate the gratitude and compliments, I don’t want to take too much credit. I think this is a knack we can all develop with a little practice. We all have the ability to control our story, even if we can’t control the windchill.
Practice reframing the narrative.
Heading into winter—perhaps the hardest time to call North Dakota home, especially if you aren’t from around here—is the perfect time to start honing your own ability to reshape a narrative. To get you started, I’ll reframe a couple common winterisms for you.
“North Dakota winters are miserable.” Reframe it, and you’ve got something like, “Everyone knows insanely cold temperatures are uncomfortable, but our community works hard to provide fun (and often free) things to do that only happen during the cold months.”
“Winters last forever up here,” becomes, “Winter is a hard season, but spring, summer, and fall in North Dakota are absolutely stunning.”
“My kids are going crazy from being cooped up inside.” Rewrite that narrative and you’ve got, “My kids’ energy encourages us to get outside and play, or attend events even when it’s cold and I’d be tempted to stay home.”
You’ve got the power over the story you tell. With practice—whether you’ve lived here your whole life, or this will be your first winter—you can weave an honest narrative with a positive spin. Positivity won’t change the windchill, but it will help you get through the cold, dark months with your hope, and mind intact.
For more on positive living and an outsider’s life in Hot Dish Land, join me on Instagram and Facebook .
Welcome to the Minot Coffee Directory! Here you’ll find all of Minot’s coffee shops and their important details in one place. Big thank you to my friends at BeLOCAL and the local Minot coffee shops for helping get this out. BeLOCAL helps you live like a local here in Minot, by filling you in on upcoming events, ideas and information–so you always know what’s going on in the community.
Below, featured Minot’s coffee shops are listed (in no particular order.) These shops partnered with me to create this directory–but in my opinion, there’s no bad coffee shop in Minot, so you should try them all.
At the bottom is a complete directory, sorted by location. For more on life in Minot, click here.
WITH ROOM COFFEE SHOP
With Room is wildly popular in town and it’s pretty clear why. The atmosphere alone is worth a visit, but the coffee, goodies, and (of course) the plants will keep you coming back. They also offer delivery! Watch their Facebook/Instagram for deals, and grab their app for quicker delivery ordering.
Address: 400 E Central Ave STE 103
Hours: M-F 6:30AM-3:30PM Sat/Sun 7AM-3:30PM
PERKY’S
Perky’s is a quick drive through coffee shop on North Hill. They offer classic coffee drinks as well as white coffee, teas, and drinks for the kids. Be sure to follow their Facebook page, where they share specials drinks and discounts (discounts are offered frequently!)
Address: 2601 N Broadway
Hours: Mon-Fri 6AM-6PM, Sat 7AM-3PM
GINNA’S
Ginna’s is the perfect place to grab a coffee while at the mall. They are located inside SCHEELS and are my go-to when I make a Target run. Ginna’s offers craft roasted coffee and baked goods–some prepared fresh in house. Insider tip: stop in during Happy Hour between 9:30-11am or 3-4pm.
Address: 2400 10th St SW
Hours: Mon-Fri 9:30AM-9PM, Sat 9AM-7PM, Sun 11AM-6PM
COFFEE BARN
Coffee Barn is a drive through coffee shop with a great south side location. They are committed to delivering very high quality coffee and a friendly experience. Service is fast and friendly, and they are clear that family-first company. Check in for specials and monthly features.
Address: 1400 31st Ave SW
Hours: Mon-Fri 7AM-3PM, Sat 9AM-3PM
MINOT’S DAILY BREAD
Minot’s Daily Bread offers a great coffee and delicious eats. Their full menu includes sandwiches, bakery items, crepes and (of course) bread. Come in and sit down to enjoy coffee and a meal, or use their drive through for a quick stop.
Now here’s the whole list. The Minot Coffee Directory has nearly all your coffee options in one place. For ease, this list omits restaurants that offer coffee–unless coffee is one of their specialties. As the weather gets colder this is a perfect time to visit all the shops on this list! Download a PDF here or scroll down to check it out here.
DOWNLOADTHE COFFEE DIRECTORY
sign up and download a PDF version of the coffee directory for easy reference.
All set!
I NEED YOUR HELP | BEFORE YOU GO…
I’m writing a book about my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
The following is an excerpt from a journal I kept during our most recent deployment like. This is what deployment is really like for the spouse left behind.Another excerpt can be read here. More on military life can be found here.
What is it really like to have your spouse deployed? Here’s what I wish I knew before deployment.
I’m often asked what deployment is really like. What things come to fruition that I expected, what didn’t happen, what took me by surprise, what’s hard…?It’s hard to come up with answers when I’m not living it. Once the deployment (or any type of prolonged separation) is over, the feelings and the reality of what daily living entailed becomes blurry in my mind. Knowing specific feelings and specific circumstances of deployment living would have been such a gift to me when I was a young wife, completely clueless as to what a lifestyle of routine separation would look like and feel like.
I hope I can extend that gift to someone else, now that I’ve lived and learned from years as a military spouse.
This part is painful. It catches me off guard, but also perfectly encapsulates what deployment is really like.
Something painful that catches me off guard everytime Derek has to be away for a length of time is the seeming erasure of his presence from our daily life. It happens gradually. First, he packs up his items from the medicine cabinet, leaving gaps where our nightly and morning routines were tangibly intertwined. A chunk of clothes and uniforms are gone from the closet. His boots aren’t next to the door.
After he leaves I gradually move anything he has left out of place and put it away. His notebook, his flight bag, the small pile of cough drops on his night stand–they are all sorted and stored.
In a week or so, there are no more of his clothes in the hamper. They are all clean and replaced in the drawers where he’ll use them again, but not for months. Soon after that, the foods he prefers have gone bad or I’ve eaten them, and they don’t reappear on the grocery list or in the cupboards. The smells that accompany him–his shampoo, the scent of his shaving cream, the uniform smell that clings to his flight suit–they are gone.
Eventually, the gender-neutral scented body wash we share runs out and I’ll replace it with something specifically feminine. I stop hanging the car keys up and instead keep one set in the diaper bag and one set in my purse. No one else needs to use them, or find them.
The Last Bit
A few days ago I changed the sheets on our bed. Yes, I know it’s been more than a month and maybe that’s gross. But honestly, keeping my own bed fresh has been the least of my priorities since Derek left. I both loved and hated getting into a gloriously clean bed. Everything felt so fresh, like sleeping at a hotel. But with the washing of sheets and swapping them out, it was like officially washing Derek out of our bed too.
Yes, he’s coming back. That doesn’t stop me from feeling grief in a season of my life spent with evidence of my husband’s existence removed from my daily living.
The gaps that his things left are soon filled. I leave a few more shoes of my own by the door. A few extra toiletries have migrated to the medicine cabinet. I’ve created a cocoon in the middle of our bed and my night time necessities take residence on both night stands. The hook where his towel hung is occupied by Silas’ sleepsack. The hanger that held his coat is empty and leaves extra room for another of Gideon’s sweatshirts.
It’s a visible trail of absence. It happens every time Derek leaves. I wish someone would have prepared me for it. It’s an odd feeling. I know he’ll come back and I can’t wait to push my things aside to make room again.
What is deployment really like? It’s like that.
I NEED YOUR HELP | ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO…
I’m writing a book about my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
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